Daddy's Birthday

Today is daddy’s 33rd birthday and he is so incredibly sad. We both are. We thought that we would be able to share this day with you. We pictured ourselves pushing you around in your new stroller, taking you to the beach and playing in the sand, kissing you goodnight. We pictured ourselves doing so many things with you. But we find ourselves alone and sorrowful. We’ve lost our future in you. Direction hasn’t found us, purpose hasn’t fulfilled us, and emptiness still lurks, especially in the daylight hours. Come back to us. It’s impossible to really live without you.

Shiloh Jayden

Serene
Hearty
Innocent
Lovely
Omnipresent
Heavenly

Joyful
Angelic
Youthful
Delicate
Exquisite
Natural

Elizabeth McCracken's Memoir

I recently finished a memoir by a woman who also lost her first baby (An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken). She perfectly describes so many experiences and feelings that I am unable to find words for. It’s surprisingly very satisfying for me to see those words, to know that they are universal amongst women who’ve experienced the loss of a baby.

“I just thought he was a sure thing,” she says of her stillborn son early on in the story. This sentence so accurately encompasses my own disbelief and horror at what has happened. After overcoming the shock and numbness, she writes of the days after, "Nothing had changed. We'd been waiting to be transformed, and now here we were, back in our old life." I’ve said this almost verbatim to people I have spoken to about you, and have written it to you in your letters. Nothing has changed, but everything has changed. It’s such a terrible feeling, knowing that we were supposed to welcome you into this world, to have you become the center of our lives, and then in the blink of an eye, to have to say goodbye to you and live without you forever.

She also talks about how she thought (as did I... how naive of me) stillbirth was a thing of the past, something from the Victorian age- black and white photos of dead babies, eyes closed, brows furrowed, dark lips, toys stuffed into their lifeless hands. Who would have thought that there are, to this day, still so many stillbirths (2/100 births in the US). If it is so damn common, how come doctors do seemingly nothing to prevent it?

Elizabeth McCracken had me empathetically nodding in agreement at almost every statement. Yes, I’ve said that. Yes, I’ve experienced that. Yes, I’ve done that…. I feel as though I could write a strikingly similar story, the plot and the outcome, much to my dismay, unchanged.

Unspoken Sisterhood

There is an unspoken sisterhood
A group of women with babies born still
Those who’ve made it through
Those who’ve had the will

We are strong, perseverant and determined
That is without a doubt
But we are no longer whole
We’re brokenhearted and empty throughout

We’re driven to find others who can understand our pain
The turn our lives have taken being so unplanned
We’re overwhelmed with confusion and questions
Yes, we’ve been dealt a raw hand

We thought we’d be fulfilled and joyful
Getting little babies to bring home
But in the blink of an eye, we’re empty-handed
Altered paths we’re left to roam

Now we seek the answers to questions unthought-of
Not researching the assumed baby rashes and remedies
With the Internet as our source
Instead we read blog after blog of dead babies

So it’s this way that we learn of each other
Through websites, blogs and notes
Otherwise complete strangers
With an experience of which we cannot gloat

It may sound strange to others
But about our loss we can freely talk
In each other we seek comfort, support, a shoulder on which to cry
You can’t fully comprehend until in our footsteps you walk

It’s like we’ve known one another all of our lives
And we realize there’s only one side to this coin
This is why we are so thankful for each other
But truthfully, this is a sisterhood you never want to join

-Rachel Simon

The Life of Shiloh

Jan 23rd 2008 - the day you were conceived
Feb 20th 2008 - we found out we were expecting
Mar 3rd 2008 - our first ultrasound - it was too early; you were barely a jellybean!
Mar 31st 2008 - our second ultrasound - now a jellybean! We were given your due date, Oct 30th
Apr 22nd 2008 - the end of week 12 (we thought we were in the clear)
Apr 25th 2008 - you started to make mommy’s tummy grow!
May 11th 2008 - I’m your mom! My first Mother’s Day!
June 19th 2008 - our 3D ultrasound - you were a healthy little GIRL!!!
July 2008 - we started calling you little baby Shiloh Jayden
July 7th 2008 - we started painting and decorating your nursery
Aug 25th 2008 - our first childbirth class - so exciting!
Aug 27th 2008 - your first concert - Jack Johnson
Aug 30th 2008 - baby shower #1 - you got so many adorable things!
Sep 6th 2008 - your second and last concert - Xavier Rudd
Sep 10th 2008 - my first birthday (28) as your mom!
Sep 15th 2008 - we hired a doula to help mommy birth you
Sep 20th 2008 - we went to the baby fair and got you lots of free baby things!
Oct 3rd 2008 - our first appt with your pediatrician
Oct 4th 2008 - baby shower #2 - you were so spoiled!
Oct 8th 2008 - we installed your carseat- we couldn’t wait to put you in it
Oct 18th 2008 - we took pregnancy photos - I LOVED being pregnant
Oct 25th 2008 - your first and last football game
Oct 26th 2008 - 11.15 pm - the last time I felt you move
Oct 27th 2008 - the worst day of our lives…. we found out that you had died inside of me.
Oct 28th 2008 - you were born at 1.18 pm. 39 weeks and 5 days - 6lbs 5ozs - 18.5 in long. The umbilical cord was wrapped around your tiny neck and body. You were the most perfect, most beautiful baby I have ever seen.
Oct 29th 2008 - you were cremated
Oct 30th 2008 - your due date…
Forever - you will be loved and missed

Flashback

I flashback.
Disbelief
Chaos
Despair
The confines of a hospital bed
Pain in my abdomen
Exhaustion
Liquid ice draining into my spine
Whispers
Pushing out your lifeless body
Silence
Tears
Isolation
Deep sorrow.

Shiloh's Photo Montage

This is a photo montage that I’ve created of Shiloh's short life and the endless joy that she has brought us.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

The Cord

We are connected, my child and I,
by an invisible cord not seen by the eye,

It’s not like the cord that connects us ‘till birth,
this cord can’t be seen by any on earth.

This cord does its work right from the start,
it binds us together, attached to my heart

I know that it’s there, though no one can see,
this invisible cord, from my child to me.

The strength of this cord, is hard to describe,
it can’t be destroyed, it can’t be denied.

It’s stronger than any cord man could create,
it withstands the test, can hold any weight.

And though you are gone, you’re not here with me,
the cord is still there but no one can see.

It pulls at my heart, I am bruised, I am sore,
but this cord is my lifeline as never before.

I am thankful that G-d connects us this way,
A MOTHER and CHILD.... Death can’t take this away!!

- Author unknown