Sunday, February 8, 2009

Daddy's Letter to Shiloh #2

What am I going to do without you, Shiloh? Wherever I look, I see your little face, your closed eyes. You look like you are dreaming. But you are not dreaming, Shiloh, you are dead. The realization of this and what it will mean for mommy and me becomes heavier by the day. Heavier, because I know I will never get more from you and I will never be able to give more to you. The pictures of you will be the same forever. There will be no new memories, no family vacations with silly pictures of us, no milestones in your development to document and to share. I know so little about you, but I want to know it all.

What will I tell people about you? What do I want to remember about you? You are my child, but to remember you just hurts so damn much. The good memories- CRAP, the plane just shook- is this you, sweetie, telling me that you are here with me?

You are right, there are good memories of the pregnancy with you- 39 weeks and 5 days worth- your development in mommy’s tummy, your kicks and punches, buying things for you and picturing you wearing them, reading about being a daddy and dreaming about being one for you, the summer off- just getting ready for you. Is this the way I should see it, glass half full- I had you and you will always be my child, rather than glass half empty- I will never have you fully. I think I need more time to see the glass as half full, but I may never see it that way. I miss you. I miss myself. And I miss mommy.

Your loss changed us forever. So what am I going to do without you? I will have to learn to live with it. I will have to reserve a part of me just for you. This part has to be really strong. I will also have to learn to find myself again. This means that I will have to separate my life and yours. But I also know that I don’t have to be miserable, angry, absent-minded, directionless, and unhappy, to miss you. I love you. You are my child, and I hope that, with time, I can see it this way without losing the ground from under my feet every time I think about you.