If he says no, just come to me.

I had a great appointment with my OB this morning. Essentially, she said that if my perinatologist won't do something I think I need to have (for example, a non-stress test before 32 weeks), we will go around him. "If he says no, just come to me"--sweetest sound to my ears. She's willing to do it all- NSTs whenever I want, checking me into the hospital for as long as I want, giving me steroids to help mature the baby's lungs, giving me an amnio at 32 weeks to check lung maturity, helping me go into labor... she's so freaking awesome. I also got my husband to call that administrator and get the DL on my account info and *exactly* how to use the home monitor.


Ah. I've momentarily been put as ease. I can breathe. Thank goodness. I was ready to check myself into the loony bin.

Quick update

I've been battling with this home monitor since Sunday afternoon. Dr Collins said it would take a week or so to get it 'working smoothly', and I had no idea what he meant (how hard could it be?!) until I actually tried to transmit a file. Problems I've encountered thus far: not having a landline to hook the modem up to (who runs things through landlines nowadays?), keeping a consistent heart rate with that huge probe doppler thing (it's pretty clumsy for a hospital grade piece of medical equipment), not being able to track down the administrator that sets up my account (he's so damn elusive!), not being able to transmit the files properly (why is the machine shutting off and turning back on by itself?), not being able to login to my account (is it even set up yet?)... blah, blah, blah. 

Nonetheless, there are two pieces of good/decent news: 1) I must have done something right with the transmission (after having multiple tantrums and frustration cries) because Dr Collins was able to successfully view my first strip (although he didn't get the text message alert notifying him that I have uploaded a strip- administrator, where are you?) and, 2) the baby's heart rate sounded good. She continues to have some cord compression (so it's somewhere on her body), but Dr Collins does not consider them 'decelerations' per say. I guess I have to relish the good news, even if they are just minor things. Man, I think I need a glass of wine....


N.B. This is not my strip (cos I can't access mine right now!). This strip shows a major deceleration and would require delivery.

It's official. Thank G-d for Dr Collins.

Well, it's official. Officially sad and tragic actually. Cord issues DO recur in subsequent pregnancies. I'm living proof (amongst the other 1200 women who've been studied!). For those of you who aren't aware, my beautiful and flawless daughter, Shiloh, was born sleeping at 39 weeks, 5 days gestation due to an umbilical cord accident in Oct 2008. The cord was wrapped so tightly once around her neck (nuchal cord) and once around her body (body loop) that my OB couldn't even slide her fingers underneath it to free Shiloh after she was born. Her arms and neck were indented from the pressure of the very organ that was meant to sustain her life in utero. How ironic. *As I write this, tears are streaming down my face. Did this really happen to my daughter?* I miss her terribly.

Now, I'm pregnant with number 2. A little sister for Shiloh. I only wish she were here to experience it. I've been conflicted the entire 28 weeks. I'm scared out of my mind (which I previously thought was unsubstantiated, but due to prior experience). I wake up 5 times a night to make sure she hasn't passed away during my sleep. I freak out and think the worst if she is moving too much or too 'hard'. I contemplate running to the hospital every time she has the hiccups (yes- hiccups are ONLY related to cord compression. If your baby has hiccups, the cord IS being compressed one way or another, at least at certain times). Sometimes, when I'm really deluded, I even think this baby is Shiloh, that I've been given another chance with her (I haven't told ANYONE this before, and I feel awful just saying it). Yes. I'm a full-blown nut job and it's starting to wear thin on my being.

But the point of this post is actually to write about my appointment with Dr Collins. I just returned from my trip to Louisiana (a few hours ago!) to meet with Dr Collins regarding the home monitoring for this baby. He is such a passionate, caring man and one that truly wants to rid the world of unnecessary infant death. So, he gave me an ultrasound and hooked me up to the monitor for 30 minutes to check the baby's heart rate and to see if I am having contractions. I'll just get to the point- he confirmed my worst fears. There is cord compression (the baby has been having hiccups 2-3 times per day for 5-10 minutes each for the last 2 weeks) and she’s even having minor decelerations. The cord is possibly being compressed in one or all of three different places. Right now, it is between her legs, around her back and draped over her neck. It's not 360 degrees around any body part, but it's enough to cause her to lay on it or squeeze it at certain times. Now, the decelerations are only 10-30% and she only had 10 in 30 minutes, so he says the baby is ok for the moment, but if it gets worse- 50% and 30 in 30 minutes- I need to deliver. He wants me to get weekly, high-resolution ultrasounds to see what the cord is doing. So my fears are substantiated and now I'm beyond terrified. I want to get this baby out now. A.L.I.V.E. 

My OB is totally on board with whatever I want to do, but my perinatologist (who has the high resolution U/S) is not. I had to jump through hoops at 25 weeks to get him to do another U/S to check where the cord was. I begged him to start the non-stress testing at 32 weeks, instead of 34 (which was a compromise- I wanted to start at 30). He believes that the published work on stillbirth is not peer reviewed and has a biased population. He doesn't believe that cord accidents recur and doesn't make an effort to read the available literature (of which there is plenty, which has been peer reviewed by over 30 medical academics, thank you Dr Collins). I'm über-worried because I know he's going to resist when I tell him I need weekly ultrasounds. I feel a tiny bit confident that I will have the home monitor to fall back on for more accurate self-interpretation, but I'm still scared out of my mind. I need the support of these OBs and the hospital, not for them to put up a force field, and I hate that I have to singularly be so damn proactive. Doesn’t everyone want a baby to be born alive if its demise can easily be prevented? I’ll never understand how ignorance can be blissful for the medical community.

To be continued….

LoveLE Maternity Photos

My 'LoveLE' friend, Autumn, an aspiring maternity photographer, took some maternity photos of me last week (25 weeks). Here are a few for your viewing pleasure.

Detached

I feel so detached

    Detached from you

    Detached from this new life

    Detached from reality

    Detached because of fear

         Fear is so incapacitating

         Its icy fingers grip my heart

                    My mind

An uncompromising grip

I wish I felt differently

I wish this fear didn’t taint my thoughts

      Hinder my grieving for you

      My bonding with your sister

I’m so sorry, babies

                            But, I love you through this fear

                                                   I just hope that you feel it

You are my heart.

After having woken up with vivid dreams of Shiloh on the brain, feeling very emotional and missing my Shi so strongly, I walked out of my front door last weekend to find this watermark on my porch:

Thank you for letting me know that you are always near, Shi. I love you to bits. 

Afraid

I’m so tired of being afraid all the time. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up seven months from now with a live, healthy baby in my arms, and my 2 year old Shiloh running around the house. But no. Instead, I’m always expecting the worst, in everything. If Andreas isn’t home in time from surfing, I picture him unconscious, face down in the ocean. If he is late from work and doesn’t call, I automatically assume he’s at the hospital because of a car accident. If I sleep on my right side, instead of my left, I worry that something will happen to Shiloh’s sibling if caught up in the cord. I’m even afraid because I am verbalizing my fears. What if they come true because I say it out loud? Am I jinxing myself? G-d forbid anything else happens in my life to drag Andreas and me down. I don’t know that we’d survive it. We are barely surviving as is.

I’m so tired of being afraid all the time. Will this ever change? I’m not able to enjoy one of the most enjoyable times in my life- pregnancy. I feel so robbed. Robbed because I don’t have my daughter, robbed because I don’t have my father, robbed because not only have these vital people been ripped away from me, but my happiness and hope have been ripped away as well. I don’t want to talk about “when the baby is born” (I actually get angry when people bring it up!), I don’t want to know the sex, or buy maternity clothes, or give the child a name, or set up a nursery, or put my name on the waiting list for daycare one day. I can’t do it. I did all of this for Shiloh, and look where it got me…. look where it got her.

I’m so tired of being afraid all the time. And it’s only going to abate once I deliver a healthy, live baby, not abort. Then I’ll be sleeping on the floor of the nursery, listening for breathing, worrying about SIDS instead of SADS (like a friend recently informed me). I’m fearful of even talking about this, so I’m going to stop now. 

I will though, be so bold as to say that fear is equally as encompassing as grief. But just like I don’t want to have to grieve anymore, I don't want to be afraid anymore. Unfortunately, neither of those wishes will come true. Like my grief, my fear will be perpetual, my fear will be on the forefront.