Friday, October 15, 2010

Oct 15th- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Dearest Friends and Family,

Today, Oct 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and we are missing our Shiloh intensely. Please join me and Andreas and light a candle tonight from 7-8 pm, in memory of Shiloh and all of the other angel babies. Our sweet angel Shiloh was only with us for 9 months, but she touches our lives everyday, inspiring us to love more deeply, live more gratefully and cherish every moment.

I would love if everyone could take a photo of the candle they have lit and send it to me for my Infant Loss Remembrance collage.



Love to you all,
Rachel

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Broken

I feel so broken inside
Torn into miniscule pieces
By the lack of your solidity
The barrenness of my arms

Nothing erases the pain of your loss
And day after day
I wish I could go back
        back to two years ago
      To protect myself from who I am today

Because now, it’s as if I
      see with only one eye
      breathe with only one lung
      feel with only half my heart

I am only half here
I am only half gone

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Blobity blob.

Ach. I just feel like such a blob. Like a large vat of pink, blobby jello. I can barely make it up the stairs. I feel really useless. Screw teaching, screw research, screw cleaning the house. All I wanna do is eat, sleep and mope! Blahhhhhhh.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

It's all good.

I'm feeling really tired again lately. Maybe lethargic sums it up better. I finished up my teaching over the last two weeks and it seems that now, since I have a bit of free time, my past insomnia is hitting me like a ton of bricks. It's OK though, as I have a week to recoup before I start teaching again. 

Things have been going well, luckily. I had a bit of a scare the other day because I couldn't comprehend what I was seeing on the monitor (continual acceleration in heart rate up to 195 for about 10 minutes), but I had it explained to me by two very competent doctors, so I'm relieved. Originally, I believed the monitoring was stressing me out more (due to episodes such as the above), but I now realize that it's actually allowing me to sleep more soundly (and less fitfully). 

I had my two ultrasounds and NST on Friday. The baby is in the head down position and the cord is only between her legs. She has been having a few, very mild cord compressions, but nothing compared to what it was when the cord was draped around her neck. I'm hoping that she stays head down so she doesn't create any new loops. I'm currently 31 weeks, which means that I get my steroid shots next week (32 weeks). 
I'm thrilled. I'm still taking things day by day, but it seems to be going more quickly now. I can't wait to have her healthy and alive in my arms. Let's see if I can make it to 37 weeks.

Monday, October 4, 2010

A break from all the negativity

I've been feeling pretty good the last few days. I was told that the nuchal cord around this baby girl's neck has been resolved, for the time being at least, so I'm not currently having cord compressions during monitoring (although the cord is still between her legs). I really hope it stays this way. Dr Collins did say though, that the critical time is 32 weeks where she goes into the head down position. We shall see. I'm attempting to stay positive.

I've also been really distracted with teaching over the last week and will continue to be until mid November. I've been going full force: Mondays to Thursdays 12-5.30pm, and on Fridays, I have my standing doctors appointments. I find that this distraction is beneficial to my sanity, and I'm still able to pay attention to the baby's movements during the day. So, yea, things are looking on the up and up. I've been reflecting on the concept of chi/qi lately: "with our energy, emotions, intentions, we can directly influence our environment", and trying to incorporate it into my everyday on-goings. I think it's working for me.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Non-stress testing is so stressful

I started my non-stress testing today at the peri's office. It's pretty much exactly like the home monitoring I do at night, except she also does an ultrasound to look at amniotic fluid levels. I asked her to look at the cord as well (which is what I care about the most). Long story short, the nurse seems not to know her ass from her elbow. She attempted to evade my questioning with smiles and positivity. I let her off easy. This time. I feel so frustrated. Silly me. I thought I'd get more comfort from these weekly tests. I can't seem to catch a break. Or maybe my expectations of the medical community are just too high. Whatever it is, I'm so tired. 


*On a positive note, I've been feeling kinda sexy lately. Sexy at 30 and at 30 weeks. I'm trying to come up with one positive thing a day, however small. Here's mine for last week and for next: sexiness. Check me out. Bow chicka bow wow.


Sunday, September 26, 2010

Peri schmeri, who needs em?!

My Friday appointment with the peri was ridiculous. I feel like every time I get information from one OB, it's completely contradicted by another. It leads me to believe that, instead of being lead by fact, they are simply being lead by opinion. Some OBs are just stuck in their ways, won't venture outside the box, or are too lazy to keep up with current research. Blah. I've had it. 

Nevertheless, I feel compelled to share a little about some of the things my peri was saying while at the appointment. And for the record, I will also say that I came into the appointment under the pretense of decreased fetal movement due to cord entanglement (which I said for billing purposes only, although she is entangled in her cord).... well, they kept me waiting in the lobby for over an hour. Now what does that tell you? At any rate, doc wasn't surprised to see me. I think I give him so much grief at every appointment, that he just expects my visits once a week. One of the reasons I am able to give him so much grief is because I'm not one of those acquiescent, naive moms who takes everything he says as kosher. I'm a PhD student in Biology, so I know what research is and how it's conducted. He can't be blowing smoke up my maternity shorts. 

The appointment started off as it typically does- I relayed my worry about the cord being wrapped around the baby, said she's having decreased movements, he starts the ultrasound, confirms where the cord is (same place as Dr Collins found it), and then launches into his well rehearsed speech about how everything I'm seeing and feeling  (regarding cord stuff) is normal. "The cord can't be floating in front of the baby the entire pregnancy", "The cord placement is totally normal- we see it draped over the baby's neck and between the baby's legs all the time", "The so called cord compressions you speak of are normal in every pregnancy- they aren't cord compressions, rather the reaction of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system to a halt in movement".... I had made the mistake of telling him that I flew to Louisiana to meet with Dr Collins, who has been studying cord accidents for over 20 years, in order to start the home monitoring. He called Dr Collins a "quack", "not a real OB", the list goes on. I couldn't believe the statements that were coming out of his mouth. I even photocopied all of the paperwork Dr Collins gave me regarding cord pathology, but the peri refused to take it from me. I went into his office and left it on his desk, telling him that he needed to look Dr Collins's Pregnancy Institute website up and read all of his peer-reviewed studies. He ended the conversation by saying, "any quack can have a website".

That was enough for one day. I felt like I was leaving the circus. I did march on up to reception though and make weekly appointments for non-stress tests and 2D ultrasounds for the next 5 weeks. I will also be getting my steroid shots and an amnio before 36 weeks. I will have this live, healthy baby in my arms, even if I have to personally mow down the entire OB community to get my way. Ain't nobody gonna hold me down.