Thursday, November 26, 2009


This grief is complex
It’s multifaceted 
Because I not only mourn the death of my child
But the death of my old relationships
The death of my old self
Of my innocence
My lightheartedness 
My happiness

I would love to see into my future 
I desperately want another baby
And I’m terrified that it won’t happen
That I can’t get pregnant again
Why is it taking so long?
What am I doing wrong?

I want, I need, assurance
To know that I don’t have to mourn more
The death of my future
On top of mourning the death of my daughter’s
A bright future 
Pilfered before possessed

It’s so unjust
But I know
I know I can’t lose hope
If I do
There’s nothing left
Nothing left for me
Nothing left for me to live for

Note: I've fixed the Rss feed on Shiloh's memorial website. Hopefully everyone can easily subscribe to the website blog now to get blog updates. Happy Thanksgiving!


Emily said...

This is beautiful. Your honesty (and complexity!) astound me.

*I need to plant Shiloh's flowers! ASAP.

cherryblossoms said...

I know what you are feeling right now Rachel. It's so familiar. Please don't give up hope!
You are a different person now. Losing Shiloh has changed you, but happiness will be here again. It has taken awhile to get pregnant this time...a new baby will come in time. What you have been doing is grieving for Shiloh and what you are doing is amazing from this website, to your poetry, your photography, & artistic creativity. You are a special person!