Friday, November 6, 2009

The Secret Garden- October

This meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you in your grief? Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby? How are you feeling? How do you hope you will feel in the future? Have you found any peace at all?

It's been 1 year and two weeks since we lost baby angel Shiloh (Oct 28th). I can't believe it's been a year (I say something like this every month...). In fact, we just celebrated Shiloh's first birthday on Saturday. We had a balloon launch. I thought I'd be a lot more emotional than I was, although it was right underneath the surface the entire time. I cried the entire two weeks before her birthday, so I felt like I didn't have the ability to physically cry tears on the day. I don't really know where I am in my grief. I'm still on that roller coaster of emotions, but it's not as unpredictable anymore. I went back today to read all of the posts from the first 6 months after Shiloh was born and a part of me feels so separated now from the raw pain of it all. I think it's a coping mechanism. I don't ever want to go back there. It was like I was endlessly clawing my way out of a deep, dark pit. I had no hope, no direction, and no joy. I was just empty. The whole world was going on around me, but all I wanted to do was curl up and die. The pain and grief is not that raw anymore (thank goodness!). I have definitely learned to live with my daily grief. It's now a part of my being. You don't forget about it, it doesn't become less, you just learn how to cope with it better; you almost become more adept at pushing it away. At least, that is the way I feel. From the very beginning, I've let myself feel every emotion as it was happening. I would try to label my feelings, compartmentalize them, to understand why I was feeling the way I felt. I feel like I've been grieving "well". I still feel lost a lot of the time, and disenchanted with trivial things in life. I miss Shiloh every second of everyday and I still ache for her, but I've matured in my sorrow and I feel a tiny bit more at peace than I did even just last month. I'll have more hope and some happiness again once I bring a screaming baby home in my arms- Shiloh's sibling. Until then, I'll still be uncertain, terrified of the future, and full of sadness knowing what I could have had with Shiloh.


Once A Mother said...

Missing Shiloh with you, and remembering her birthday. I am sure your ability to make it through the day without tears was her doing, she was sending you help from above.

Franchesca Cox said...

It is encouraging to read the journey of someone who has been through the rawness of that deep dark pit. I feel like I am just barely crawling out, with a long way to go. It is amazing that we can learn to live with this grief, I love how you explained it so well. Thank you for sharing.


Annie said...

Well said. I'm definitely with you on being disenchanted with the trivial things in life. And so much of life is trivial. It's challenging to find any joy in the little things that don't really matter. I even feel guilty for enjoying hobbies or other activities. I should have a demanding baby to care for - not time for hobbies!

Thanks for sharing your journey through the grief.