Words

Words fail me
I’m so disappointed in them
They cannot describe
The depths of my sorrow
Which from my heart stems

Everyday I must face
My grief and the world
While armed with no words
To make others understand
Truth and reality unfurled

Isolated from other mothers
I will always be
Stripped naked of my naïveté
Full of fear and doubt
Because the future I cannot foresee

Broken-hearted, empty-souled
Mind and body ravaged
This is now the life I lead
With no language to bear witness
My happiness and hope savaged

- Your mommy, Rachel Simon

The New Normal

This is the new normal
Where it’s normal to cry
It’s normal to be depressed
It’s normal to want to die

This is the new normal
Where it’s normal to think the worst
It’s normal to be anxious
It’s normal to think I’m cursed

This is the new normal
Where it’s normal to be sad
It’s normal to be scared
It’s normal to be mad

This is the new normal
Where it’s normal to not care
It’s normal to be tired
It’s normal to be impaired

This is the new normal
Where it’s normal to be annoyed
It’s normal to put on a front
It’s normal to feel destroyed

This is the new normal
Where it’s normal to be numb
It’s normal to be avoided
It’s normal to have no fun

This is the new normal
Where it’s normal to hide my feelings
It’s normal to blame myself
It’s normal to be healing

Welcome to my new normal

Angry

Today’s an angry day
Today I hate the world
Nothing you say matters
I’ve lost my little girl

I don’t wanna hear your gossip
I don’t wanna hear your problems
Unlike my trials and tribulations
There’s a way for you to solve ‘em

I don’t wanna eat right now
No, I won’t drink that water either
Just let me stew alone for once
To come out of this damn ether

I don’t care that it’s a beautiful day
I don’t wanna walk outside
I just want to lie in my dark room
All I wanna do is hide

It will not be ok
I’m not going to move on
You should think before you talk
‘Cos all your saying’s wrong

I don’t have to give it time
It’s not going to get better
Don’t say she’s in a happier place
You’ve never even met her

It didn’t happen for a reason
There’s nothing learned from this
Don’t you see it’s taking everything
Just to make sure I persist

I didn’t lose a parent or sibling
So don’t compare your loss
For you to claim it is the same
Makes me so damn cross

I didn’t ask your opinion
I don’t care about your feelings
Even though it’s been 10 months
I find myself still reeling

Don’t be mad at me
‘Cos I won’t listen to your crap
I’ve got this constant struggle
To wiggle out of this damn trap

Away with your pregnant belly
Don’t rub your babies in my face
Don’t gloat about your pregnancy
I might put you in your place

I told you I was angry
I warned you from the start
It’s hard to be a childless mother
To live life with a shattered heart

Note: This poem came from that dark place lingering inside of me. It’s a good thing I only let it out constructively! For those reading this who have never experienced the loss of a child, please don’t take it personally. I know I need to live life by making small talk, gossiping, connecting with people, in short, dealing with the facets of everyday life. But there are times, like today, in which it feels too mundane. Enter poetry.

Time

The days become more
The crying becomes less
It’s against my will
But I must confess

I fight for my pain
Yet it hurts me so
Not fully crying for my child
Is my lowest low

My head smarts
My face aches
My heart, already shattered
Continues to break

I can’t see through the hurt
Visions, thoughts, so foggy
My cyclical awakening
Forever opaque and groggy

Hour after hour, nothing new
My whole life- a groundhog day
Acceptance, spiritual transcendence
Have yet to come my way

Can I, will I, someday
Be able to accept this fate
Or will my distress, my emotions
Just simply abate?

The Scarlet Letter

('L' for Loss)

Day number 268
And still no change in the way I feel
Sorrow, numbness, anger, jealousy
Your loss is still so surreal

I feel like I’m going in circles
No end to a tragic start
Living in a shell of myself
Sustained by a broken heart

I may look normal on the outside
But this is just a mask
Inside I’m struggling for my life
Burdened so by this eternal task

And day after day it pains me
That people will not speak your name
Like they could hurt me any more
Their bliss-less ignorance, such a shame

I alone must live with your loss
For the rest of my life, however long
A scarlet letter burned into my chest
However hard, however wrong

But I tell myself over and over
Time will fade my deep scars
That I won’t recognize this profound pain
Described so adeptly in my memoir

Wishful thinking, I think this is
As I’ll always have this reminder
With this scarlet ‘L’ burned into my chest
The truth will never be the kinder

Six Long Months

This poem was written by a friend of mine, Allison Spangenberg, who lost her son Christian to an umbilical cord accident on Dec 18, 2008.

In her email she says, “It has almost been six long months since Christian passed away. I am very angry today, and I guess this poem comes from that place, as all of us mother's can understand the stupid things that people say, and I just needed to let it out in a constructive way, without committing homicide. LOL. I am just sick of it, that's all.”

I am posting this because, not only do I think the poem is beautiful, but I can also totally relate to it....

Six long months,
I am told to move on.
I am told to forget,
I am told to be strong.

I am grieving my child,
I am still at square one,
I am counting the days,
will this ever be done?

People forget,
and want to ignore,
they want to pretend
I don't have this chore.

I never wanted this life,
such pain I can't bear.
Life dealt me a hand,
without any care.

The burden is heavy,
I hope I can mend.
And time still ticks on,
It is not my friend.

I cannot resolve
the fact that you're gone.
This isn't the way,
life is so wrong.

I should be so lucky?
A mother to an angel?
Their stupid words,
I wish I could strangle!

Or life will go on,
you can always have more!
But what about the child
I love and adore?!

It wasn't meant to be,
or your child is in heaven,
or it happened for a reason,
at least he wasn't seven!...

People speak and say
the stupidest things.
That God had a plan,
that my angel grew wings.

How does this help
ease all my pain?
His life had a purpose
their words are insane.

Six long months
since you said goodbye.
I am still bereft,
why did you have to die?

No one understands,
our life- it crashes-
so lucky for them,
their rose colored glasses...

By: Allison S.- Christian's mommy
I love you baby boy.... kisses to the sky angel boy....

Seven Months

Seven long months have gone by
Since you’ve left me, I just cry
Your face so vivid- this will never change
Anything about you, I could never estrange
Thinking about you, now, I can have a bit of joy
But this joy is certainly no decoy
Because the pain is still so damn strong
Living without you will always be wrong
But I choose to carry on
With hopes of more children not forgone
I pray so very hard, day after day
For your siblings to come my way
So I can tell them all about you
Perfection, beauty, love- your virtues