Letter to Shiloh #4

My grief continues to devour me. Everyday is such a struggle- to get out of bed in the morning, to force myself to eat at mealtime, to watch the hours drag by, and then to go back to bed in the evening, without you. My body and mind are programmed to mother you, but I can’t. I’m being denied of motherhood. I don’t know a worse tragedy to befall a person.

I feel like I’m going in circles with my grief; I have days when I feel like I am regressing. The numbness and shock are phased in and out of the realization and anger. I’m trying to separate out these feelings, to label them, so I can understand why I’m feeling certain emotions at certain times, but nothing seems to make sense. I’m starting to believe that there really is no sense in such tragedies.

I’m not sure where I should go from here, Shiloh. I’m so confused, so unfulfilled. The things that I wanted before you were born no longer interest me. I’m sick of this small, dark apartment, of going nowhere in my PhD, of daddy’s unhappiness with his job, of living in this materialistic country…. But, our routine is sadly the same- nothing has changed, but everything has changed. You were going to fix a lot of things for your daddy and me. We were going to take all these other complaints with a grain of salt because we were just so, so happy to have you. So what do we do now that you aren’t here with us? There is no moving on… but giving up is not an option either.

I have so many unanswered questions. Will I be able to find meaning in life now that sorrow has found a home in me? Will joy be part of my life again? Will there ever be a time when I can smile again, unreservedly? When will I feel life inside me again? Will I be able to safely bring your future siblings into this world? Have we been punished enough or will we contend with more tragedy in the future? In time, there will be answers to these questions, but for now, I linger in the dark, thinking only of you and what our life together should have been like.

You will always be a newborn baby in my mind, but in my heart- an inquisitive toddler, a blooming child, a rebellious adolescent, and a beautiful woman. I love you endlessly.