Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Six months

Shiloh. Today is your 6 month birthday. On the one hand, I can’t believe that I have survived 6 months without you. It feels like just yesterday that I was holding you in my arms, feeling your heat having come fresh out of the womb. On the other, I can’t believe it has only been 6 months… It feels like lifetimes have passed me by.

Where am I in my grief? I’m still angry, I still feel cheated and I still can’t be around mothers and babies. And of course, I am still so, so sad and so heartbroken. I say this last because I know that it will never change. I am trying to stay the course though. I am striving to make my life have meaning, to have quality again. I am striving to feel joy again. I am striving to more deeply learn the importance of living in the now. I am striving.

I think I might open your memory box today. It’s been a while. I know the emotions come strongest when I touch your things, when I smell you. I have to prepare myself for that. Ah, here come the tears. Just by thinking about it… I didn’t even know I was crying. It’s so natural for me nowadays.

But with each day I also get better and better about boxing up my feelings, pushing away the pain. I hate that I can do that, that I can actually function most times. It seems unfair to you, although I know you wouldn’t want me to be miserable. I just wish that you could be more present in my life. I wish I could dream about you. I miss you terribly baby Shiloh. I wanted you to be so much
more for me, for others.

I love you so very much. I hope you’re up there in heaven making wishes and blowing out your .5 candles!