Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The baby that isn't here

Life carries on, whether I sink or swim. Nobody is waiting for me to catch up, to catch my breath. It seems like nobody talks about the baby anymore. The baby that isn't here. The baby that would have been a year and five months soon. The baby that could fill this gaping, ragged hole in my heart. The baby whose loss created this hole. 

I've been having new bouts of grief. I've been missing Shiloh so intensely lately. I cry at the drop of a hat- every ridiculous commercial, every dramatic show, every minute reminder of baby Shiloh, makes me ball. It's almost a relief though. I've actually been sort of angry and disappointed in myself because I haven't been able to dedicate as much time to Shiloh as I have in the past. I'm avoiding the pain because it makes me feel hopeless. To say hopelessness is a terrible feeling does not do it justice, and if you've never felt it before, I mean, really felt it from the deepest darkest pits, then you just cannot comprehend the utter unwillingness to live. But, maybe you can somewhat grasp why I attempt to avoid (emotionally) going back to this past. 

I look at my life now (busy, busy, busy- back to work, school and reintegrating myself into society) and contrast it to my life from October '08 to March (refusing to get out of bed, incessantly crying, hating everyone and everything), and I can't believe the complete 180 I've done. I can listen to music and enjoy it. I'm able to shoot the shit again. I can go to parties. Food doesn't just sustain me, but tastes good. I can sit at my office at school and actually be productive. I can (sometimes) hug my husband without thinking about the baby that isn't filling our arms. 

I'm actually kind of progressive. I've come a long way. But that doesn't mean that I miss my sweet baby Shiloh any less. It doesn't mean that I don't think about her every minute of the day, even when I sleep. It doesn't mean that I don't want people to bring her up in a casual conversation. It doesn't mean that I am emotionally stable, even though I may look it. It doesn't mean that people should ask me how I am and expect a superficial answer (don't ask me how I'm feeling if you don't want to know!). I guess I just want people to talk about Shiloh more. Just because time moves on for everyone else, doesn't mean it does for me....