Monday, November 30, 2009

The Thanks in Thanksgiving

(Photos by Emily Hoke)
During this time last year, I was completely lost. I was alone. I was angry and betrayed. I was ripped in two. I felt like I wanted to die. I was so full of raw sorrow that I couldn’t get out of bed, let alone be with friends, if only to eat good food. What was there to celebrate? Well, I still feel this way, but to a lesser extent. The only things I feel I can be thankful for nowadays are family and good friends that attempt to understand what Andreas and I are going through on a daily basis. Oh, and delectable food, of course. Can't forget the food! I guess this is a huge step. I wonder if the holidays are ever going to be joyous again though. Perhaps as our family continues to grow, so will my joy. I can only hope. And be thankful for the small things... 

Thursday, November 26, 2009


This grief is complex
It’s multifaceted 
Because I not only mourn the death of my child
But the death of my old relationships
The death of my old self
Of my innocence
My lightheartedness 
My happiness

I would love to see into my future 
I desperately want another baby
And I’m terrified that it won’t happen
That I can’t get pregnant again
Why is it taking so long?
What am I doing wrong?

I want, I need, assurance
To know that I don’t have to mourn more
The death of my future
On top of mourning the death of my daughter’s
A bright future 
Pilfered before possessed

It’s so unjust
But I know
I know I can’t lose hope
If I do
There’s nothing left
Nothing left for me
Nothing left for me to live for

Note: I've fixed the Rss feed on Shiloh's memorial website. Hopefully everyone can easily subscribe to the website blog now to get blog updates. Happy Thanksgiving!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Moving through

In an attempt to enjoy life again (somewhat), I'm going to start writing other posts (about our lives), in addition to my Shiloh posts. The origins of this blog lie within happier times. We started the blog in 2007, during our 5th year of living in Australia. It was originally called "Simons Go Global" and was created to keep friends and family all over the world up-to-date on our on-goings down under. We've definitely lost touch with these happier times, but I would like to start writing again about our 'new' life (with integrated grief). I think I need this to help me move through the sorrow.

I will still post some Shiloh-dedicated blogs here, but I would like to transfer most of my Shiloh blogs to the "Whispers to my Angel" blog on her memorial website. There is an RSS feed on the website blog so people are still able to subscribe. I hope that you will all follow me over to her website blog, as I love to know that people are remembering my Shiloh, I love to meet new people, to help others through their grief, and mostly, I love to read all of the thoughts and comments. It's such a wonderful tribute to the life of my baby angel Shiloh. So stay tuned. The next blog is likely to be about spending Thanksgiving with some very special people who've been there for us since day one of our healing journey. 

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


I can’t get over things fast
I like to dwell
To brood over my emotions
My thoughts
I’m a dweller by nature

Mostly, I dwell on my sorrow
My pain
My anger
My occasional hatred
The injustice of it all

Sometimes I also dwell on good things
The way you smelled
Your puffy cheeks
Your piano fingers
The non-existent toenail on your little baby toe
Just like mine

I need to feel the pain
To feel the little joys
To dwell
It makes me feel
Well… human
In a sense, it makes me feel 

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Shiloh's First Birthday Celebration- Photos

Shiloh's birthday cake (Photo courtesy of Kristen Papac)
I've posted the first batch of photos from Shiloh's first birthday celebration, on her memorial website:

Thanks to all of you amazing people for being there for me and Andreas on Shiloh's special day. Love to you all! Xoxo 

Monday, November 9, 2009

Shiloh's First Birthday Celebration

Here’s a short video of Shiloh’s celebration, made by my lovely friend Sara Koch.

On Saturday, November 7th, a select group of local people who’ve played an integral part in my and Andreas’s healing since Shiloh was born, came together on Butterfly Beach to celebrate her first birthday (Oct 28th). It was an incredibly meaningful and emotional day for us. It was absolutely perfect in every way and the balloon launch went off without a hitch. We met at the beach at 3.30 pm, talked, cried, drank coffee, ate white chocolate raspberry birthday cake, wrote little notes to Shiloh and all the other angel babies on CA seed paper (so when the balloons burst the seed paper falls back to the earth to bloom into all the beautiful plants and flowers that often remind us of Shiloh), and sent 30 balloons towards the heavens with our whispers to angel Shiloh inside as we watched the sunset. It was magical. The most amazing part was watching the balloons form and hold an “S” for a whole 5 minutes as they floated higher and higher. I’m almost positive someone has a photo of this (to be posted!). I’ll have to make this number 8 on my list of “Strange Happenings”. It was breathtaking and I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect day to celebrate the brief life of my stunning angel. 

Shiloh, you are sorely missed, but you will remain in our hearts and minds for all eternity. I love you so.

Friday, November 6, 2009

The Secret Garden- October

This meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you in your grief? Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby? How are you feeling? How do you hope you will feel in the future? Have you found any peace at all?

It's been 1 year and two weeks since we lost baby angel Shiloh (Oct 28th). I can't believe it's been a year (I say something like this every month...). In fact, we just celebrated Shiloh's first birthday on Saturday. We had a balloon launch. I thought I'd be a lot more emotional than I was, although it was right underneath the surface the entire time. I cried the entire two weeks before her birthday, so I felt like I didn't have the ability to physically cry tears on the day. I don't really know where I am in my grief. I'm still on that roller coaster of emotions, but it's not as unpredictable anymore. I went back today to read all of the posts from the first 6 months after Shiloh was born and a part of me feels so separated now from the raw pain of it all. I think it's a coping mechanism. I don't ever want to go back there. It was like I was endlessly clawing my way out of a deep, dark pit. I had no hope, no direction, and no joy. I was just empty. The whole world was going on around me, but all I wanted to do was curl up and die. The pain and grief is not that raw anymore (thank goodness!). I have definitely learned to live with my daily grief. It's now a part of my being. You don't forget about it, it doesn't become less, you just learn how to cope with it better; you almost become more adept at pushing it away. At least, that is the way I feel. From the very beginning, I've let myself feel every emotion as it was happening. I would try to label my feelings, compartmentalize them, to understand why I was feeling the way I felt. I feel like I've been grieving "well". I still feel lost a lot of the time, and disenchanted with trivial things in life. I miss Shiloh every second of everyday and I still ache for her, but I've matured in my sorrow and I feel a tiny bit more at peace than I did even just last month. I'll have more hope and some happiness again once I bring a screaming baby home in my arms- Shiloh's sibling. Until then, I'll still be uncertain, terrified of the future, and full of sadness knowing what I could have had with Shiloh.