Time

The days become more
The crying becomes less
It’s against my will
But I must confess

I fight for my pain
Yet it hurts me so
Not fully crying for my child
Is my lowest low

My head smarts
My face aches
My heart, already shattered
Continues to break

I can’t see through the hurt
Visions, thoughts, so foggy
My cyclical awakening
Forever opaque and groggy

Hour after hour, nothing new
My whole life- a groundhog day
Acceptance, spiritual transcendence
Have yet to come my way

Can I, will I, someday
Be able to accept this fate
Or will my distress, my emotions
Just simply abate?

The Scarlet Letter

('L' for Loss)

Day number 268
And still no change in the way I feel
Sorrow, numbness, anger, jealousy
Your loss is still so surreal

I feel like I’m going in circles
No end to a tragic start
Living in a shell of myself
Sustained by a broken heart

I may look normal on the outside
But this is just a mask
Inside I’m struggling for my life
Burdened so by this eternal task

And day after day it pains me
That people will not speak your name
Like they could hurt me any more
Their bliss-less ignorance, such a shame

I alone must live with your loss
For the rest of my life, however long
A scarlet letter burned into my chest
However hard, however wrong

But I tell myself over and over
Time will fade my deep scars
That I won’t recognize this profound pain
Described so adeptly in my memoir

Wishful thinking, I think this is
As I’ll always have this reminder
With this scarlet ‘L’ burned into my chest
The truth will never be the kinder

Six Long Months

This poem was written by a friend of mine, Allison Spangenberg, who lost her son Christian to an umbilical cord accident on Dec 18, 2008.

In her email she says, “It has almost been six long months since Christian passed away. I am very angry today, and I guess this poem comes from that place, as all of us mother's can understand the stupid things that people say, and I just needed to let it out in a constructive way, without committing homicide. LOL. I am just sick of it, that's all.”

I am posting this because, not only do I think the poem is beautiful, but I can also totally relate to it....

Six long months,
I am told to move on.
I am told to forget,
I am told to be strong.

I am grieving my child,
I am still at square one,
I am counting the days,
will this ever be done?

People forget,
and want to ignore,
they want to pretend
I don't have this chore.

I never wanted this life,
such pain I can't bear.
Life dealt me a hand,
without any care.

The burden is heavy,
I hope I can mend.
And time still ticks on,
It is not my friend.

I cannot resolve
the fact that you're gone.
This isn't the way,
life is so wrong.

I should be so lucky?
A mother to an angel?
Their stupid words,
I wish I could strangle!

Or life will go on,
you can always have more!
But what about the child
I love and adore?!

It wasn't meant to be,
or your child is in heaven,
or it happened for a reason,
at least he wasn't seven!...

People speak and say
the stupidest things.
That God had a plan,
that my angel grew wings.

How does this help
ease all my pain?
His life had a purpose
their words are insane.

Six long months
since you said goodbye.
I am still bereft,
why did you have to die?

No one understands,
our life- it crashes-
so lucky for them,
their rose colored glasses...

By: Allison S.- Christian's mommy
I love you baby boy.... kisses to the sky angel boy....

Seven Months

Seven long months have gone by
Since you’ve left me, I just cry
Your face so vivid- this will never change
Anything about you, I could never estrange
Thinking about you, now, I can have a bit of joy
But this joy is certainly no decoy
Because the pain is still so damn strong
Living without you will always be wrong
But I choose to carry on
With hopes of more children not forgone
I pray so very hard, day after day
For your siblings to come my way
So I can tell them all about you
Perfection, beauty, love- your virtues

Shiloh's Tattoo (Daddy)

This is Andreas’s tattoo- the tree of life- with 10 branches, 28 roots and 8 falling leaves to represent Shiloh’s birthday, 10/28/08.

Shiloh's Tattoo

So, the special significance of the forget-me-not flowers in the Mother’s Day bouquet Emily gave me, is because of my tattoo, or more rightly, Shiloh’s tattoo. Both Andreas and I got Shiloh memorial tattoos last Saturday (May 9), after 6 months of thinking about them. We wanted them to be extra special. So, I drew mine- a few stems with forget-me-not flowers on them. There are a few legends about what forget-me-not flowers represent, but the overall theme is pretty self explanatory- love and tragic fate- the epitome of Shiloh. We will never forget her. But there is more to it. I worked her birthdate, October, 28, 2008, or 10/28/08, into the drawing. There are 10 stems (or rudimentary stems), 28 petals (5 on each flower and 3 closed flowers with only one petal showing) and 8 flowers.

Andreas’s tattoo is the tree of life into which I worked 10 branches, 28 roots and 8 falling leaves. I will post a photo of his soon.

Mother's Day Flowers

My friend Emily gave me these flowers for Mother’s Day, from her garden. They are so pure and beautiful, just like little baby Shiloh. They also have very special significance because of the forget-me-not flowers (bottom photo). I’ll write again later to explain why...