A letter to Shiloh from Emily

 The candle Emily and Andrew lit for Shiloh on Oct 15th.

I absolutely love this letter that Em wrote to Shiloh for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day... it's so pure and so sweet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Miss Shiloh J. Simon,

I am so sorry we never got to officially meet. Still, somehow, I feel we've been acquainted.  I saw you make your mama round and happy--you were the beauty in your mother's smile, her light bouncy step. I saw you in the pride and sparkle in your father's eyes. You were created with love and in their love you shine eternally.

The ocean is a place of peace and healing--but also a powerful, awe-inspiring force that evokes emotion. Your parents are ocean people. Your dad catches waves in the sea while your mom walks along the shore and carves your name in the sand. I don't doubt you'd be a beach baby.

Tonight the many people who remember you are lighting candles in your honor. In my makeshift memorial I looked for things that made me think of you. Two shells plucked from the Santa Barbara shoreline. A plumeria blossom, like the flowers your mom picks up off of the sidewalk, posts on your website, or pins her hair.  The sweet perfection of nature.

I saw you in a painting from a friend that hangs on my wall.  The pink of your stunning nursery is reflected in the coral sunlit sky.  I can't help suspect you'd be a fun balance of tomboy and girly-girl a lot like your mama is.  A girl on the edge of the sea, looking out into the waves, strong and beautiful.  Shiloh, you aren't forgotten.

Much love,

Emily
(*Auntie Em*)

Candles for Shiloh

I just wanted to thank everyone that lit a candle for Shiloh last night. I received a lot of emails with kind sentiments and candle photos and it means so so much to me. Every small thing that other people do to help remember Shiloh makes them such an integral part of our healing journey. I am so thankful to have such wonderful family and friends. 


Above is a collage of all of the candles lit all over the world (California, Washington DC, Texas, Hawaii, Palmyra Atoll, Australia, Germany, The Netherlands...) for my Shiloh. 


Also, if you still have a photo that you haven't emailed to me, please feel free to do so- I will add it into the collage!


Love, 
Rachel

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today, Oct 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and I'm missing my Shiloh baby more than ever. Please light a candle tonight at 7.00 pm, in memory of Shiloh and all of the other angel babies. Also, I would love it if everyone could take a photo of the candle they have lit and send it to me!

Reminiscing

I am barely breathing

Lately, I can’t find the air

Since you’ve up and left me

My smiles have become so rare

Where am I, who am I?

Now that you’re no longer here

My identity and path in life

Have become so unclear

I miss being happy

I miss being so carefree

These are just a few things

That used to define me

I was never depressed

Or disheartened with life

I never felt much stress

Or have been in much strife

So much has changed

Since your heart failed to beat

Now life is dark and bitter

Instead of light and sweet

The tears come and go

With no further warning

I’d no idea it was so hard

To be in a state of mourning

Grief is hard work

Especially for my lost daughter

It knocks the breath out of me

And that’s a tall order

Never again will I feel whole

A chunk of my being- missing

Without you here with us

It’s just daddy and I- reminiscing 

Flipped

My world has been flipped

Right side up is now upside down

So what was once a smile

Is now just a frown

Nothing good that happens

Changes the way I feel

My emotions are strongholds

The deal for me is sealed

Why did you leave me? 

We only had a short time

With you in my belly

I was in my prime

Could you feel my happiness?

My joy at every kick?

I was so gleeful gaining weight

I even relished being morning sick

Did I do something wrong?

Should I have been even more attentive?

You were supposed to come out healthy

There was so much incentive

But I know we’re good parents

I feel it in all we do

Therapy, art, websites, poems

It’s all because we miss you

I wish we didn’t have to do this

You should be here in my arms

Flirting, smiling, cooing, giggling

Showing me that Simon charm

I still dream about you everyday

Almost two years in the making

Every detail of you I vividly remember

My effort to retain is almost painstaking

Forever in my heart and mind

You’ll be ‘til the end of days

We’ll be reunited again I’m sure

After walking through life’s harsh maze

-Your Mommy misses you baby girl- kisses to the sky...

The Secret Garden- September

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? Your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. 


The things that have helped me the most are:
1) Group and Individual counseling (w/Irene Kokatay) at Santa Barbara Hospice. Without this group of people, I would certainly not be where I am today. Andreas and I started going to counseling about a week after we lost baby Shiloh. We were referred to SB Hospice by Michael Cruse, a clinical social worker at SB Cottage Hospital (the staff there were absolutely amazing, btw). At first I dreaded going (actually, I still do! I ALWAYS turn into a crying mess), but I love that Andreas and I have a set time to talk about Shiloh, with people who can understand what we've been through, and continue to go through on a daily basis. It's very comforting to surround myself with those that can understand my feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, purposelessness. I find grief to be very isolating and the never-ending emotional roller coaster to be so tiring. Losing a child is also very hard on a marriage, so not only did Andreas and I both need to work separately on our grief and on ourselves, but we also needed to work together on our relationship. We both have had to adapt to our 'new normal'. 


2) Making Shiloh's memorial website. I'd have to say this is the most therapeutic of all. Andreas created the skeleton of Shiloh's website when we 'escaped' up to Big Bear for a few nights, about two weeks after Shiloh was born. We walked around the forest during the day and at night, sat in front of the fire drinking hot chocolate, talking, thinking, dreaming about Shiloh and making her website. It was a great outlet for me at the time because I had all of these things that I wanted to say to her, but didn't have a chance to. There are also so many people that never had the chance to meet Shiloh after she was born, so this was my way of having people remember her and put a name to her face. It also gave people who haven't experienced a loss some insight into how Andreas and I were coping and what we were feeling. I added a blog to Shiloh's website called Whispers to my Angel and continue to update it monthly with letters, poems and information from the media. I've heard from many women that my site is helping them to deal with their grief as well. I feel so honored that these women are able to find comfort there. Through this site, Shiloh has touched so many lives. This makes me so proud.


3) Being artistic (I call it my 'artistic grief')- writing letters and poems, writing Shiloh's name on the beach and on flower petals, taking photos, making terra cotta pots with lost babies' names and messages, making and engraving healing clay rocks, planting flowers, lighting candles for Shiloh, framing and hanging photos of her around the house, making photo albums and writing in her baby book.


4) Walks on the beach. Being near the ocean makes me feel close to her. It's so beautiful and cathartic to feel the breeze, smell the ocean air, and to just clear my head.


5) Blogging/Talking to other babylost women, helping them with their grief, hearing about their experiences and how they made it through amidst all the sorrow and emptiness. They also give me hope of having healthy, LIVE children in the near future. 

Letter to Shiloh, from Allison

My close babylost mamas: Allison, Heather (Lily’s mom) and Pia (Sam’s mum). We all met up in Santa Barbara one weekend.

This letter was written by my closest babylost mama, Allison, mommy to Christian, who is currently pregnant with Christian’s brother. She knows how much I’d love to be blessed with a sibling for Shiloh, so the letter hits home. It was the best birthday present ever- so thoughtful and so touching. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest baby girl Shiloh,

I wanted to write you this letter to ask you for a favor. First of all, I am sure you know this, but you have touched so many lives around you, and you are so desperately missed. I know your mommy longs for you, and her heart has been broken. She wanted so desperately to change your diapers, to breastfeed you, to look into your beautiful eyes and to smile at your precious little giggles. She envisioned so much for you, and well, now her life consists of trying to get through the days without you, the love of her life. I know your father couldn’t wait to see you on a little surf board, couldn’t wait to protect you… so many dreams lost by your much too soon departure, but yet so many souls have been touched forever by the magnitude of your presence. I am so grateful to have met your mom. She is such a wonderful and warm person, as you know. I wish she and I didn’t have to meet the way we did. I wish that I had never met her, and she had never met me, if it could mean that you were alive and well in her arms, and my baby boy Christian was alive and well in mine. Sometimes I daydream that you and Christian are playing together, and watching over your mommy and me. We had so many plans and dreams to be mothers to the two most precious babies ever to exist, and now we are just counting down the days until we are with you two again, this I know. 

I also know that your nursery, that was prepared out of joy and expectation of your arrival sits empty. I also know that your mother longs to hold a baby in her arms, and to care for it the way she wanted to care for you. Her arms are empty, her heart is aching, and even though you will always be her first-born exquisite angel, she desperately wants a sibling for you to protect from the skies. So Shiloh, I am asking you to send her a tiny little miracle, to help restore her hope, and to give her an ounce of joy back into her life. I know you are a very special little girl, and I ask you to please give her peace and comfort, and to truly give her the strength to smile again. You are an amazing little angel, almost a year old now, and I wish that I had gotten a chance to meet you. I wish that Christian and I had gotten to attend your first birthday party, here on earth. I know that Shiloh means “His Gift”. Thank you for the gift of your mommy’s friendship- I am so blessed to have found her and to have her comfort through these trying days. I feel like I know your beautiful soul through the love and warmth and support of your mother, and when I look into her eyes, I know you live on. 

      

Sending you sweet kisses precious child, and please tell my son that I love him and miss him desperately. 

Love,

Allison- Christian’s mommy