Happy Chrismukkah (English)/Frohe Weinukkah (Deutsch)

This year Andreas, Bear, angel baby Shiloh and I created a new tradition. We celebrated a combination of Christmas, the German way, and Hanukkah, the NY Jew way (appropriately deemed Chrismukkah, or in German, Weinukkah; from "Weinachten"). Neither of us were/are feeling particularly merry this holiday season, but decided that we should "celebrate" the fact that we have each other for support through these incredibly rough times. So, we unwrapped presents on the eve of the 24th (as per German tradition), in front of our first Weinukkah tree as a family. It was and continues to be very festive. Our two menorahs sat ablaze on the coffee table (even though Hanukkah ended on the 18th!), across from my adorable dreidel lights (thanks ma!). Our chockers puff paint stockings (courtesy of moi- Rachie) dangle from the wall, along with the lebkuchen heart Andreas gave to me on our very first Christmas together in 2001 (yes, I didn't eat it, I kept it- I'm sentimental!). That was my first encounter with a German Christmas dinner- a big fat DUCK from Oma’s sister’s farm!!! Lecker (yummy)! Our little noble fir is decked out with shiny balls, beads, candy canes, heaps of angels, and of course, photos of our loved ones- Shiloh baby, my daddy, and Bear, our lil' stinker! Santa Bears even paid us a visit!!! We are hoping and praying that 2010 is a year of only happiness, health, wealth, success and multiple siblings for Shiloh. 2010 has to be a better year... it just has to.

The Duality of my Heart

Here's another poem I wrote (Dec 1997) for my english class. I'm actually shocked at how emotionally deep I was back then!

 One woman, one heart.

A heart with two chambers.

Two chambers that contradict each other with a simple word.

The left always yearning for completion and

the right always begging for spontaneity.

Both chambers like two novices

contained in one heart.

Competing for recognition and

for popularity.

One strongly pensive in reason and

constant in decision

believing only in practicality.

While the other, filled with impulsive unrestraint and initiative.

Both deriving from the same heart,

but overwhelmed by different passions.

One chamber exclaims,

look deep inside,

to another’s aching heart.

The other shouts,

all that matters is displayed on the outside.

They beat as one,

yet in spirit,

are two different entities.

Together, striving to live in harmony;

to survive.

Knowing that they are unable to function without the other,

They settle.

They make this woman whole.

My Appleness

This is a poem I wrote in 1998 for my AP English Class and I just came across it the other day as I was cleaning out some old stuff from my mom's garage. It's called a Concrete Poem (it originally took on the shape of an apple) and the stylistic devices used were: imagery, connotation, metaphor and symbolism. It immediately reminded me of Shiloh, so I wanted to share it with everyone.

My darling dearest. 

You are the apple of my eye. The fruit within the fruit. 

Apple seeds. This cherry red combined with a multitude 
of seeds makes this apple whole. You complete me. As we sit
 in this brilliant bowl, our cores combine to share a single one. This core is everything 
but physical. This is no dull love; no ordinary love. We cannot admit absence; 
we are linked, for this love is one of great and complex definition. 

In spirit we are inseparable, core-mates, this love we share cannot be weakened or 
broken. There are no exceptions, no excuses. The everlasting reality 
sometimes creates the ability to frighten.

Forget all of the meaningless details.

JUST BE.

Ode to Bear

(Photo courtesy of Emily Hoke)

This is an ode to my puppy, Bear, who has been with us since shortly after Shiloh passed away (we got him in mid Nov 2008). I never once have mentioned him publicly, because I didn’t want people to think that I was trying to replace my daughter with a dog (by the way, Shiloh will never be replaced, not by any animal or another child). But I have decided it’s time to dedicate a post to Bear, who’s really been my and Andreas’s savior over the past year.

Bear, you claim to be a dog

But are you really?

There’s so much ‘person’ in your personality

At times you act so queerly

   

You’re a cheeky little bugger

Always doing something naughty

Chewing socks, chucking rocks

Looking at me haughtily
   
But all these things I can forgive
For you have been my savior

I yell at you and cry on you

Even when you’re on your best behavior 
   
I know you don’t understand any of this

But mommy and daddy are very sad

We’ve lost our only daughter

As well as Lou, your grandpa and my dad

   

But you have been my constant outlet

I don’t know what I’d do without you

For loneliness, sadness, hurt and love

And my mothering instincts too

    

So thank you for being you, Bear

Always the perfect fur baby

I owe you for my life thus far

About this there is no maybe

Light up a Life 2009

This Sunday, December 6^th, Hospice of Santa Barbara had their annual Light up a Life at the Labero Theater to remember those that we’ve lost. As last year, I hung a star for baby Shiloh and a star for my dad, Lou, who lost his battle with pancreatic cancer in March. The dominant feelings were those of immense sadness and surrealism: I can't believe I'm putting a star on a tree to represent the lives of my daughter and my father. It's just so tragic and so very heartbreaking. This year was even harder because Andreas wasn't here to support me. Or I should say, we weren't together to support each other. I just have this nagging question running through my head day after day.... Why is life so damn cruel?

Cerveza

Right now, Andreas, my husband, is teaching an MBA course at a university in Barcelona. This is the first time since Shiloh was born that we've spent more than just a few days apart. It's been very hard being separated, but also good for our personal healing and growth. Here's a poem that Andreas wrote yesterday (during dinner!). He says "This is a poem going forward, not just holding onto the pain. A poem to the next baby, by acknowledging Shiloh as part of it. This is what I want for us. This is what we need to heal now. A different attitude. Accepting where the pain comes from now and working on it." 

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I am sitting here with a Spanish beer and I try to dream a common theme, how would it be if you were here.

The dream is easy at the start, I would love you with all my heart. And I would do it all over again, paint the room and buy the playpen.

Yet, there is a point that is hard to cross. Your birthing process, such a loss. All the sudden it is only pain, will it be a loss again?

I had to learn there is no guarantee. You never know when you get stung by a bee. But the bee also brings pollen to flowers, and maybe you will soon be ours.

I feel I have the strength again, to love you here and Shiloh in heaven. Mommy, daddy, Shiloh and Bear are ready for you. Dream of ours, I know you will come true.