Drowning in the Ocean

I want to swim away from myself
But I can’t seem to find my arms and legs
Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning in the ocean
No life preserver, no snorkel gear, no scuba diving regs

Let the waves come crashing down
Wash over me, give me finality
Let it clear me of my pain, absolve me
Take me away from this harsh reality

I’m weighted down by all my sorrow
I scramble to keep my head above water
Do I surrender or do I struggle
There’s only one way I’ll see my daughter

It’s such a cold and lonely place
Frigid water seeps into my nose and ears
My body aches for solid ground
Instead I’m left here to drown in my fears

But I forge ahead, I look around directionless
No guiding light to bring me home
I search for anything, a sound, an object
In perpetual darkness I’m left to roam

There is no happy ending to this, I know
More pain and torture is certain
I’m treading for my life in vain
Forever trapped behind this dark, heavy curtain

The Surface

The surface
It can be a very lonely place
Sometimes it can be false
Lacking depth
But sometimes a safe place
Feelings can barely scrape it
Feelings can delve beneath it
It can be smooth
Or cratered with loss
It can be pure with innocence or naiveté
Or impure with experience
It can be dry and dead on top
But can be scraped to give new life
Inevitably, it will get old
Over time it will wear thin
It will damage
This surface
This protection
It will soon wither
And leave you defenseless

Six months, cont'd

You are 6 months today (in calendar days- your birthday is April 28), and I have been trying to write you all day, but all I can do is cry. I miss you. I miss you so much that I have been pushing myself into a happier future, because otherwise the pain of your loss will drown me. I feel you miss us too and it makes me sad, but I know that you can feel us all around you. We are everything good, positive and strong. We are the oxygen in your air, the ground under your feet, the singing of the birds, the warmth of the fire and the sweetness in your birthday cake. You brought the best out in us. This will never change. Happy birthday, I love you Shiloh Jayden.

- Your Daddy

Six months

Shiloh. Today is your 6 month birthday. On the one hand, I can’t believe that I have survived 6 months without you. It feels like just yesterday that I was holding you in my arms, feeling your heat having come fresh out of the womb. On the other, I can’t believe it has only been 6 months… It feels like lifetimes have passed me by.

Where am I in my grief? I’m still angry, I still feel cheated and I still can’t be around mothers and babies. And of course, I am still so, so sad and so heartbroken. I say this last because I know that it will never change. I am trying to stay the course though. I am striving to make my life have meaning, to have quality again. I am striving to feel joy again. I am striving to more deeply learn the importance of living in the now. I am striving.

I think I might open your memory box today. It’s been a while. I know the emotions come strongest when I touch your things, when I smell you. I have to prepare myself for that. Ah, here come the tears. Just by thinking about it… I didn’t even know I was crying. It’s so natural for me nowadays.

But with each day I also get better and better about boxing up my feelings, pushing away the pain. I hate that I can do that, that I can actually function most times. It seems unfair to you, although I know you wouldn’t want me to be miserable. I just wish that you could be more present in my life. I wish I could dream about you. I miss you terribly baby Shiloh. I wanted you to be so much
more for me, for others.

I love you so very much. I hope you’re up there in heaven making wishes and blowing out your .5 candles!

The Yin and the Yang

Just like the Yin and the Yang
My emotions are complimentary opposites
My world was so airy
So light when I was pregnant with you
Without you, my world is heavy
Occluded in such darkness
Breathing came so easily to me
Expansion, contraction
Expansion, contraction
But now, breathing is so difficult
Pull, push
Pull, push
I was so rich
So fulfilled to have you in my life
Now I’m so poor
So empty because you are gone
I was moving forward
So dynamic
Now I feel stagnant
Unable to change
But for others, life continues on
Relentless
Because I love you wholeheartedly
Unconditionally
I feel despair
Depression for having lost you
There was so much pleasure
Now only pain
And just like the yin and the yang
Everything that lives
Must die
However early
But in every end
I believe
I pray
There must be a new beginning…