The Bad, the Good and the Inevitable

THE BAD: 
First Betamethasone (steroid) shot at 2pm yesterday (to speed up fetal lung maturity in case of preterm delivery) = slight decrease in fetal movement and fetal heart rate = me scared shitless and annoyed that I was not informed of this earlier = me frantically researching it last night = waking up every two hours to see if she is still alive = humungous headache this morning, but thankfully, a live, active baby.
Second Betamethasone shot at 2pm today = anxiety = another sleepless night


Side note: I think we need to invest in one of those $3000 Tempur-pedic mattresses so my poor, hardworking husband can get some sleep. Ya know, the ones in the commercial where you can jump up and down on the bed with a full glass of wine sitting on the other side?! So, when I'm up at 12, 2, 4, 6 and 8 am shaking my belly, he shouldn't feel a thing, right?


THE GOOD: 
From 32 weeks onwards, the baby should have heart rate accelerations to 15 beats above resting heart rate, for 15 seconds, every 20 minutes or so to show that she is "reactive" (this concept is still a bit of a conundrum to me. Isn't she reactive if I poke my belly and she moves? I guess it's more of a reactive heart rate thing though since heart rate doesn't always increase if she moves.). Anyway, she was uncharacteristically sleepy as I was doing my monitoring yesterday (thank you, steroid shot...), so I told Andreas to come talk to her. The minute he started talking, her heart rate shot up from 145 to 170! Isn't it incredible that she not only recognizes her daddy's voice, but that she responds with an increased heart rate! C'est complètement incroyable! 


THE INEVITABLE: 
I miss Shiloh profoundly. I wish she were here to experience this all with us (not all of the drama, of course. If she were here, there wouldn't be any drama!). Especially because people are constantly asking if I have other children, how old they are and what sex they are. I always say that I have a daughter, that she'd be almost 2. People never pick up on the past tense though. It's just as well. I always end up crying and running away if I have to talk about her not being here.


I'm in awe of the fact that I'll be celebrating her 2nd birthday- alone (sniff, sniff)- in just 5 days. It feels like an eternity without her, but it also feels like she was born just yesterday. Time is so strange. In reference to the bizarreness of time, I found this quote that resonated with me: "The flower that you hold in your hands was born today and already it is as old as you are." -Antonio Porchia, Voces 1943. It hits home.