Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother of an Angel Day


This is my first Mother’s Day
With no bubbly daughter to show
How wrong it feels with no earthly child
This, some may never know

But for those of you who can understand
My heart goes out to you
For we are the most unfortunate ones
With that, no one can argue

Yet mothers we are, nonetheless
We gave birth to a wonderfully perfect baby
They are with us in heart, in spirit
About this, there is no maybe

We love them dearly, forevermore
And no one can take this away
In saying this, I wish all you mommies
A bittersweet, Happy Mother’s Day

Friday, May 8, 2009

A Mother's Day Wish from Heaven


A poem sent to me from another mom of a heavenly baby:

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven,
and though it must appear
A rather strange idea,
I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit,
your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,
as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought,
every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she's cried.
I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now,
I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me,
sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way,
to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored,
and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do;
to you I'll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity.

- Jody Seilheimer
Heartfelt Words by Jody
In Memory of Her Son, Cory
Friday, May 8, 2009

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Drowning in the Ocean


I want to swim away from myself
But I can’t seem to find my arms and legs
Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning in the ocean
No life preserver, no snorkel gear, no scuba diving regs

Let the waves come crashing down
Wash over me, give me finality
Let it clear me of my pain, absolve me
Take me away from this harsh reality

I’m weighted down by all my sorrow
I scramble to keep my head above water
Do I surrender or do I struggle
There’s only one way I’ll see my daughter

It’s such a cold and lonely place
Frigid water seeps into my nose and ears
My body aches for solid ground
Instead I’m left here to drown in my fears

But I forge ahead, I look around directionless
No guiding light to bring me home
I search for anything, a sound, an object
In perpetual darkness I’m left to roam

There is no happy ending to this, I know
More pain and torture is certain
I’m treading for my life in vain
Forever trapped behind this dark, heavy curtain

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Surface

The surface
It can be a very lonely place
Sometimes it can be false
Lacking depth
But sometimes a safe place
Feelings can barely scrape it
Feelings can delve beneath it
It can be smooth
Or cratered with loss
It can be pure with innocence or naiveté
Or impure with experience
It can be dry and dead on top
But can be scraped to give new life
Inevitably, it will get old
Over time it will wear thin
It will damage
This surface
This protection
It will soon wither
And leave you defenseless

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Six months, cont'd

You are 6 months today (in calendar days- your birthday is April 28), and I have been trying to write you all day, but all I can do is cry. I miss you. I miss you so much that I have been pushing myself into a happier future, because otherwise the pain of your loss will drown me. I feel you miss us too and it makes me sad, but I know that you can feel us all around you. We are everything good, positive and strong. We are the oxygen in your air, the ground under your feet, the singing of the birds, the warmth of the fire and the sweetness in your birthday cake. You brought the best out in us. This will never change. Happy birthday, I love you Shiloh Jayden.

- Your Daddy

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Six months


Shiloh. Today is your 6 month birthday. On the one hand, I can’t believe that I have survived 6 months without you. It feels like just yesterday that I was holding you in my arms, feeling your heat having come fresh out of the womb. On the other, I can’t believe it has only been 6 months… It feels like lifetimes have passed me by.

Where am I in my grief? I’m still angry, I still feel cheated and I still can’t be around mothers and babies. And of course, I am still so, so sad and so heartbroken. I say this last because I know that it will never change. I am trying to stay the course though. I am striving to make my life have meaning, to have quality again. I am striving to feel joy again. I am striving to more deeply learn the importance of living in the now. I am striving.

I think I might open your memory box today. It’s been a while. I know the emotions come strongest when I touch your things, when I smell you. I have to prepare myself for that. Ah, here come the tears. Just by thinking about it… I didn’t even know I was crying. It’s so natural for me nowadays.

But with each day I also get better and better about boxing up my feelings, pushing away the pain. I hate that I can do that, that I can actually function most times. It seems unfair to you, although I know you wouldn’t want me to be miserable. I just wish that you could be more present in my life. I wish I could dream about you. I miss you terribly baby Shiloh. I wanted you to be so much
more for me, for others.

I love you so very much. I hope you’re up there in heaven making wishes and blowing out your .5 candles!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The Yin and the Yang


Just like the Yin and the Yang
My emotions are complimentary opposites
My world was so airy
So light when I was pregnant with you
Without you, my world is heavy
Occluded in such darkness
Breathing came so easily to me
Expansion, contraction
Expansion, contraction
But now, breathing is so difficult
Pull, push
Pull, push
I was so rich
So fulfilled to have you in my life
Now I’m so poor
So empty because you are gone
I was moving forward
So dynamic
Now I feel stagnant
Unable to change
But for others, life continues on
Relentless
Because I love you wholeheartedly
Unconditionally
I feel despair
Depression for having lost you
There was so much pleasure
Now only pain
And just like the yin and the yang
Everything that lives
Must die
However early
But in every end
I believe
I pray
There must be a new beginning…