Shiloh's First Birthday Celebration- Photos

Shiloh's birthday cake (Photo courtesy of Kristen Papac)

I've posted the first batch of photos from Shiloh's first birthday celebration, on her memorial website:
  

http://thenewsimons.com/Site/First_Birthday_Celebration.html

Thanks to all of you amazing people for being there for me and Andreas on Shiloh's special day. Love to you all! Xoxo 

Shiloh's First Birthday Celebration

Here’s a short video of Shiloh’s celebration, made by my lovely friend Sara Koch.

On Saturday, November 7^th, a select group of local people who’ve played an integral part in my and Andreas’s healing since Shiloh was born, came together on Butterfly Beach to celebrate her first birthday (Oct 28^th). It was an incredibly meaningful and emotional day for us. It was absolutely perfect in every way and the balloon launch went off without a hitch. We met at the beach at 3.30 pm, talked, cried, drank coffee, ate white chocolate raspberry birthday cake, wrote little notes to Shiloh and all the other angel babies on CA seed paper (so when the balloons burst the seed paper falls back to the earth to bloom into all the beautiful plants and flowers that often remind us of Shiloh), and sent 30 balloons towards the heavens with our whispers to angel Shiloh inside as we watched the sunset. It was magical. The most amazing part was watching the balloons form and hold an “S” for a whole 5 minutes as they floated higher and higher. I’m almost positive someone has a photo of this (to be posted!). I’ll have to make this number 8 on my list of “Strange Happenings”. It was breathtaking and I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect day to celebrate the brief life of my stunning angel. 


Shiloh, you are sorely missed, but you will remain in our hearts and minds for all eternity. I love you so.

The Secret Garden- October

This meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you in your grief? Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby? How are you feeling? How do you hope you will feel in the future? Have you found any peace at all?

It's been 1 year and two weeks since we lost baby angel Shiloh (Oct 28th). I can't believe it's been a year (I say something like this every month...). In fact, we just celebrated Shiloh's first birthday on Saturday. We had a balloon launch. I thought I'd be a lot more emotional than I was, although it was right underneath the surface the entire time. I cried the entire two weeks before her birthday, so I felt like I didn't have the ability to physically cry tears on the day. I don't really know where I am in my grief. I'm still on that roller coaster of emotions, but it's not as unpredictable anymore. I went back today to read all of the posts from the first 6 months after Shiloh was born and a part of me feels so separated now from the raw pain of it all. I think it's a coping mechanism. I don't ever want to go back there. It was like I was endlessly clawing my way out of a deep, dark pit. I had no hope, no direction, and no joy. I was just empty. The whole world was going on around me, but all I wanted to do was curl up and die. The pain and grief is not that raw anymore (thank goodness!). I have definitely learned to live with my daily grief. It's now a part of my being. You don't forget about it, it doesn't become less, you just learn how to cope with it better; you almost become more adept at pushing it away. At least, that is the way I feel. From the very beginning, I've let myself feel every emotion as it was happening. I would try to label my feelings, compartmentalize them, to understand why I was feeling the way I felt. I feel like I've been grieving "well". I still feel lost a lot of the time, and disenchanted with trivial things in life. I miss Shiloh every second of everyday and I still ache for her, but I've matured in my sorrow and I feel a tiny bit more at peace than I did even just last month. I'll have more hope and some happiness again once I bring a screaming baby home in my arms- Shiloh's sibling. Until then, I'll still be uncertain, terrified of the future, and full of sadness knowing what I could have had with Shiloh.

A Year Without Shiloh (Oct 28th)- From Kellie

Photo courtesy of Kristen Papac

Another one of my incredible friends, Kellie- mama to Remi- wrote this poem for Shiloh's first birthday. What a strong, compassionate woman. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are missed dearly

Every moment of each day

You have touched so many lives

In a very positive way


I feel as if I know you

Although we haven’t even met

Your parents describe you beautifully

So no one will forget

You picked the perfect Mom and Dad

To share your pure life with

They cherish you with all they have

You are their ultimate gift

They etched you on their bodies

A permanent reminder

To show how proud of you they are

Their precious heavenly daughter

It’s been a year without your presence

Each day knowing what is missing

I know that you’ll soon come back

Until then…we’ll all keep wishing

You may be a girl or a boy

We don’t know what you will choose

To finally complete your journey

With Rachel and Andreas who love you

Little Angel Shiloh

Will you please take Remi’s hand

To help guide each other home…

Back to us again

Your First Birthday

Photo courtesy of Kristen Papac

Today is your first birthday

And I’m feeling really numb

I can’t believe it’s been a year

Since the day that you have come

At 1.18 pm, you were brought into this world

A bundle of joy much anticipated

Your future planned way ahead of time

Because a whole 10 months we had waited

We were meant to have loads of good times

Together- talking, laughing, playing

Recording your monthly milestones

Your weight, height and things you were saying

I ache for these things every day

For my arms to be heavy with your weight

To change your diapers, to breastfeed you

And sleep in with you ‘til late

My intense joy and love for you

To everyone- I always declare

All things that encompass you

I feel compelled to share

Not a day goes by without you, Shiloh

Always on the forefront of my mind

I think, talk, write, and cry for you

Our lives are forever intertwined

My heavenly baby angel

For eternity you will be

As I see you in all earthly creatures

Insects, flowers, and even our lemon tree

So happy first birthday to you- love of my life

And just so you don’t get a stomachache

You and all the other angel babies  

Need to take it easy on your birthday cake!

-Love your mommy

I can't believe...

A luminary for Shiloh on Oct 15th (from Sherri)

I wrote this journal entry on the Daily Strength Forum last month. I decided to post it here now because I still feel this way. Sometimes I am in awe of the human capability to survive intense trauma.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wow. I can't believe I've come this far. I can't believe it's been over 10 months since I lost my Shiloh. I couldn't stop crying or even really get out of bed from Oct-Dec. I was SO utterly depressed, confused, empty, hopeless. I had no sense of purpose or direction. I couldn't brush my hair, or go outside, or see people, or make small talk, or listen to music or anything. I cried, I kept to myself, I hated the world, and I wrote about it all. Sometimes I miss those days where I could let myself FEEL EVERYTHING. It's so hard nowadays to allow myself to really revisit that pain. I think about Shiloh every minute of everyday, but it's so hard to open her memory box, so hard to let myself think about that night where I found out that her heart had stopped, the afternoon when I gave birth to her, the look of despair on my husband's and my sibling's faces when I pushed her out and she didn't move or cry, the first time holding her lifeless body. I still think about these things all the time, but I removed myself from it a bit. It physically hurts to cry so much now. I guess it's just a coping mechanism, but it makes me feel so damn guilty.

I was sitting in my Hospice parent bereavement group last Thursday and there was a new couple there. I'm glad they found this support group, but I HATE when new couples join us. Nobody should have to endure the tragedy that people like us have endured. When I saw them, just the expression on their faces, it brought me back to the first time we went to this support group- exactly one week after I gave birth to Shiloh. My husband dragged me to group. I am not the kind of person that likes to talk about my emotions to strangers (face to face at least), I do not like therapy and I don't need people seeing me blustering, crying, distraught- essentially- a mess. But Andreas said that we needed this, that we don't even know what grief really is, or how to heal, that we can't be isolated, that we have to find people that know our pain. In the end, he was totally right. I certainly wouldn't be where I am today had he not dragged me to support group. He gave me yet another, much needed outlet for my anger, disbelief, bitterness, sadness, and loss. It feels so good to be with people who understand, who don't ask you what's wrong when you randomly start to cry, or turn away when you see a baby or pregnant woman. They get it. This, right now, is all I can ask for in a friend. It's sad that I can't be comforted in any other way, but I've come to accept that this is my reality, that I'm living in a shell of myself, sustained by a broken heart.

Strange Happenings

The book I found at the swap shop

As usual, I was inspired by someone else’s experiences (Allison, this time!) to write about some of the weird, coincidental things that have been occurring since I had Shiloh last year.  I’ll start with the most distant experience.

1)    During a pertinent part of the ceremony at my father’s funeral in March (where the Rabbi was talking about how much my father loved his family), I was hit in the head by TWO leaves simultaneously (and it wasn’t even windy!). Dad and Shiloh were together and this was his way of telling me.

2)   A month or so after Shiloh passed, my friend Kristen said she kept seeing a tricycle with Shiloh’s name on it around our housing complex. She hasn’t seen it in a while, but if she does, this time she’ll snap a photo of it.

3)   I’ve been repeatedly followed and accosted by many different types of insects since December. Bees, fruit flies, spiders, butterflies- you name it… They are even around when there is no other insect in sight. It’s crazy!

4) The girl I asked to do my memorial Forget-me-not tattoo with Shiloh's birthday incorporated into the drawing, has the same birthday as Shiloh- 10/28. I was having doubts about letting her do it, but when I found this out, I realized that it was meant to be. 


5) I took Bear, our puppy, to the farmer’s market with me last month. He saw a dog that he really wanted to play with, so he was pulling against his leash and whining like I’ve never seen before. I couldn’t figure out what was so special about the other doggie. Finally, I walked him over so he could play with her.  Well, I got my answer as to why she was so special- the dog’s name was Shiloh.

6)   Allison (Christian’s mommy) has been seeing a white butterfly nearly everyday when she takes her dogs for a walk. A few days ago, Shiloh somehow popped into her head when she woke up that morning. She thought about her and Christian playing together. As she walked outside with her dogs that morning, the white butterfly (Christian) was dancing around her head and then met up with another white butterfly (Shiloh). They danced around each other playfully. This was our babies playing together.

7)  I was taking Bear for a walk yesterday morning past the swap shop in our housing complex (the swap shop is an empty apartment where people can leave things they don’t want and take things that they do) and as I was walking by staring at a huge pile of junk and books, a small, thin book on the tippy top of the heap caught my eye. It was a birthday book. The birthday was October 28^th- Shiloh’s birthday. It totally gave me the chills. 

I love getting these signs from Shiloh. They are so special. I think it’s her way of telling me that she is ok, that things with us are going to be ok.